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the bad touch


ha-ha! well now we call this the act of mating
but there are several other very important differences
between human beings and animals that you should know about

i'd appreciate your input

sweat baby sweat baby sex is a texas drought
me and you do the kind of stuff that only prince would sing about
so put your hands down my pants and i'll bet you'll feel nuts
yes i'm siskel, yes i'm ebert and you're getting two thumbs up
you've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds
i want you smothered want you covered like my waffle house hashbrowns
comin' quicker than fedex never reach an apex
just like the coca-cola stock you are inclined
to make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time

do it now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
do it again now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
gettin' horny now

love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
like the lost catacombs of egypt only god knows where we stuck it
hieroglyphics?
let me be specific i wanna be down in your south seas
but i got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "small craft advisory"
so if i capsize on your thighs high tide, b5 you sunk my battleship
please turn me on i'm mister coffee with an automatic drip
so show me yours i'll show you mine "tool time" you'll love it just like lyle
and then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "x-files"

do it now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
do it again now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
gettin' horny now

you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
do it again now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel
do it now
you and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel

mope



we gonna drop this next bomb for a money makin' playa that ain't with us no mo.
yeah, notorious b.i.g.
hell no, we gonna do this for a gangbanging thug that never seen it comin'.
yeah, tupac shakur.
nah bitch, i'm talkin' ‘bout motherfuckin' falco and shit.
what? falco?

o0o0o rock me amadeus
o0o0o rock me amadeus
o0o0o rock me amadeus
o0o0o rock me amadeus

tried to o.d. on the cold-eeze
"golden girls" got me "sweatin' to the oldies"
hanging out like double ds sip long island iced teas
wrote to mayor mccheese "send a shamrock shake please!"
three o' clock on the dot time to cruise for eighth graders
rather tape the weather channel so that i can watch it later
reruns of rerun so "what's happening?"
dee's knocked up and rog on crack again
deep throat a whole nutty buddy
make whoopie to a batch of silly putty
make a spam and colgate sandwich and ate it
go through "national geographic" and draw panties on the natives
so i like to dance naked in front of my pets
but my cat was inattentive so i sent him u.p.s.
playin' spin the bottle with my mom
i watch "cops" with no pants on

must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
lamer than the pope climb the walls like king kong
buggin' out like tori spelling's eyes
deader than the parents on a "party of five"
luciano pavoratti on a treadmill
not going nowhere slim chance we will
less hip than bo jackson bored like wood
dick around like frankie goes to hollywood

relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum
relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum

nowhere to go i can't wake up late
just sit around and wait for my old spice to activate
stalemate jailbait in "my so-called life" imprisonment
amazing what a good breakfast pickles make isn't it?
i like to pretend i'm speed reading
never lose the sight of the thrill of sneezing
don't need a shower today just some brut by faberge
smell the ass of my jeans clean they'll do another day
and i recycle i sniff my own farts
i dial the wrong number hope a conversation starts
i mean i might as well be listenin' to journey
givin' myself a mullet hook the flowbee to the kirby
make a prank call pretendin' i'm a mime
get stuck in traffic just to pass the time
sent a letter in the mail in braille to johnny quest
send me back my etch-a-sketch

must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
lamer than the pope climb the walls like king kong
buggin' out like tori spelling's eyes
deader than the parents on a "party of five"
luciano pavoratti on a treadmill
not going nowhere slim chance we will
less hip than bo jackson, bored like wood
dick around like frankie goes to hollywood

relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum
relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum

i'm mighty tighty whitey and i'm smugglin' plums
when you wanna cum
i'm mighty tighty whitey and i'm smugglin' plums
when you wanna cum
i'm mighty tighty whitey and i'm smugglin' plums
when you wanna cum
i'm mighty tighty whitey and i'm smugglin' plums
when you wanna cum


yo yo yo yo yo! what it is motherfuckers?
aw shit, here comes pac-man.
hey pac-man, what's up?
me you bitches! i'm high on crack! wanna freebase?
no pac-man drugs are bad!
nope can't help you man.
pussies. whoa! holy shit!

must've blown a fuse nothing's going on
lamer than the pope climb the walls like king kong
buggin' out like tori spelling's eyes
deader than the parents on a "party of five"
luciano pavoratti on a treadmill
not going nowhere slim chance we will
less hip than bo jackson bored like wood
dick around like frankie goes to hollywood

relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum
relax don't do it when you wanna go to it
relax don't do it when you wanna cum

holy macaroni

she ain't got no legs

baby
yeah
the first time i saw you darling i knew i was in love
tell her daddy
the way you took your wheelchair up that handicap ramp
mmm, it's a mind blower
but now baby i miss ya i miss ya
i miss all the times we played marco polo in the pool
oh yeah
hide and go seek beneath the sheets
oh yeah
and just the smell of the oil in your wheelchair
i remember the day i saw you hobbling
a weeble wobbling you had a problem
you didn't have any legs just a smile and some stumps
no smelly feet a torso to hump
no baby love yeah that's what we'd be making
ride you like a sit and spin until your stumps started aching
spin you around yeah roll you near yeah
turn you upside down to hold my beer

you ain't got no legs but i love you just the same oh baby
you ain't got no legs but i love you just the same

they say nothing beats a great pair of legs but somehow
baby the day you walked out of my life there's nothing
i wanted more than, than for you to come crawling back to me
when we started going together people said they couldn't believe it
that i could be so happy with a quadriplegic
we would wake up real early and you could make me some eggs mmm
girl i didn't care if you ain't got no legs
i loved you for you and you loved me for me oh yeah
wasn't really hard for those more fortunate to see
that the first time we made love it was such a wonderful feeling
the way the suspension wires held you 'cross the ceiling
when you rolled out of my life
my heart just broke
i can still hear the noise of the squeaks in your spokes

you ain't got no legs but i love you just the same oh baby
you ain't got no legs but i love you just the same

you're pretty when i'm drunk



one night me and the crew hit the road on a mission
to slurp free brew and go fuzzy flounder fishin'
kayjees on the hi-fi and the keg was bottomless
until we brought skip o' pot2mus
and daddy's gonna get some probably underage and dumb
and everybody knows that the daddy eats his young
lupus in the lavatory making a big stink
macing up the toilet seat and pooping in the sink
m.s.g.'s tanked up and wizzin' in a cup
waiting for a sprinkle genie to come and drink it up
cause i'm the one bottle willy with the 12 horse ale
after that i get silly like soupy sales
now it's midnight and i'm completely boofy blitzed
a six of shlitz and the jew brew manischewitz
with my beer-tinted glasses i'm ready to bitty battle
i'm hungry like the wolf but i'll end up tending cattle

cause you're pretty when i'm drunk
(you're pretty when i'm drunk)

here she comes, a funky fried cutie
mr. jimmy pop ali is gonna get some booty
cause i'm mr. mcfeelie with a speedy delivery
you'd think i was a ditch the way this chick was diggin' me
but maybe i should check and see if this is where i wanna be
hey lupus is she cute? yea for a pygmie
aw! what do you know? you're probably going home alone
and it wouldn't be the first time that i gave a dog a bone
plus beauty, it's only skin deep
it's in the eye of the beholder and my beholder's about to tweak
i could tap that barrel, in fact i know i can
it's a ménage à trois you and me and heineken

cause you're pretty when i'm drunk
(you're pretty when i'm drunk)

regrets i've had a few
first and foremost i'd like to mention you
for the sake of conversation we'll call you the brand new heavy
your a mix between an ugnaut and eugene levy
you can call it big-boned, i prefer to call it gut
you're buddha you're shamu you're jabba the fuckin' hutt
you had harpoon scars and your boobies were hairy
i smelt tuna melt but i wasn't gonna worry
it was 3 a.m. and i wasn't gettin' squat
so i rolled you up in flour and aimed it for the wet spot

i was buttering rolls like a soup kitchen christian
then it hit me something bit me while my little rod was fishin'
i was deep sea fishing i took a fat chance
but how was i supposed to know that jabberjaws lived in your pants
at that junction i came to realize
that only frank purdue likes thighs that size
fatty fatty boom ba latty i gotta lament
that you were not a girl you were an experiment

cause you're pretty when i'm drunk
(you're pretty when i'm drunk)
you're pretty when i'm drunk

your only friends are make believe



yea well i sing like an amputee though
why?
cause can't hold a note can't carry a tune

knock knock mr. rogers it's mr. mcfeelie
i've brought you a letter speedy delivery
well mr. mcfeelie if there's postage due
you can go fuck yourself like captain kangaroo
i can go to land of make believe and i can pretend
but in the end i still have no friends

do do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do do

mr. rogers i like your cardigan sweater
mr. mcfeelie shut up and give me my letter
i don't want to talk to you don't you understand?
why are you inside my house you're just my fuckin' mailman?
i can go to land of make believe and i can pretend
but in the end i still have no friends

do do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do do

you can go to land of make believe and you can pretend
but in the end you still have no friends
you can go to land of make believe and you can pretend
but in the end you still have no friends

do do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do do

you are my best friend too
i share the same views and hardly ever argue
eat spam from the can watch late night c-span
and rock out to old school duran duran
your best friend is you i'm my best friend too
i share the same views and hardly ever argue
eat spam from the can watch late night c-span
and rock out to old school duran duran
your best friend is you i'm my best friend too
i share the same views and hardly ever argue
eat spam from the can watch late night c-span
and rock out to old school duran duran

shut up



i'm jimmy pop here in a jiffy heat me up and add oil
i'm like a zit a wart a corn a cyst a festering boil
i get under your skin and i sebaceously form
i'm as deep as the plot to an amateur gay porn
keep ya hungry for more like bangladesh
then i'll borg di borg do borg ya like the swedish chef
cause i'm one of a kind and kind of hard to find
kind of like an injun without his fire water wine
i'm like schneider one day at a time
i'm feeling like bob vila nailing up your behind
to my wall like daniel-son does
i'm waxing on i'm waxing off i'm waxing just because
i get wired like a western union and i got to be me
and i got more balls than the daily lottery
like hemorrhoidal itch yo you can't ignore me
cause i'm more tongue and cheek than a lesbo orgy
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me

second verse is different from the first

i'm jimmy pop i am
jimmity jimmity pop i am i am
see my name's not hoover and i don't give a damn
and i got a different angle like a parellelogram
and you'll be all ears like a field of corn
i'll make you dizzy like gillespie as i toot my own horn
like a no. 2 pencil i always got a point
you'll want to share it with friends like a poorly rolled joint
i'm jimmy pop y'all i'm jimmy pop y'all i'm an alka seltzer that's right you're a seagull
as i continue to expand your head is gonna burst
leave a bad taste in your mouth like moldy liverwurst
like the texas chainsaw massacre i'll get in your face
but then i'll brush you off like aqua-fresh toothpaste
cause i'm letting off steam like a chinese laundromat
but i'm not a roll of charmin so don't give me no crap
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me

i hate a lot of whites and i hate a lot of blacks
i hate poopin' in public places but we all hate that
i hate lesbian feminists because they're all so damn ugly
i hate spin magazine cause they never ever plug me
i hate regis and i hate kathie lee
i hate every single movie by that midget spike lee
i hate people that think i care what they think
i hate people that think their ass don't stink
i hate jon bon jovi but i hate his music more
i hate killing people because i hate to keep score
i hate you but you hate yourself too
i hate to be honest but i'd hate to be you
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me
and i don't give a damn if you don't like me
cause' i don't like you cause you're not like me

fire water burn



the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
burn motherfucker burn

hello my name is jimmy pop and i'm a dumb white guy
i'm not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high
i don't know mofo if y'all peeps be buggin' give props to my ho cause she fly
but i can take the heat cause i'm the other white meat known as 'kid funky fry'
yeah i'm hung like planet pluto hard to see with the naked eye
but if i crashed into uranus i would stick it where the sun don't shine
cause i'm kind of like han solo always stroking my own wookie
i'm the root of all that's evil yeah but you can call me cookie
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
burn motherfucker burn

yo yo this hard-core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice
i'm not black like barry white no i am white like frank black is
so if man is five and the devil is six than that must make me seven
this honkey's gone to heaven
but if i go to hell well then i hope i burn well
i'll spend my days with j.f.k., marvin gaye, martha raye, and lawrence well
king kurt cobain, kojak, mark twain and jimi hendrix's poltergeist
and webster yeah emmanuel lewis cause he's the anti-christ
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
we don't need no water let the motherfucker burn
burn motherfucker burn

everybody here we go
ohh ohh
c'mon party people
ohh ohh
throw your hands in the air
ohh ohh
c'mon party people
ohh ohh
wave 'em like you don't care
ohh ohh
c'mon party people
ohh ohh
everbody say ho
ohh ohh
c'mon party people
ohh ohh
everybody here we go

along comes mary



every time i think that
i'm the only one who's lonely
someone calls on me
and every now and then
i spend my time at rhyme and verse
and curse those faults in me

and then along comes mary (mary mary)
then along comes mary (mary mary)
and does she want to give me kicks and be my steady chick
and give me pick of memories
or maybe rather gather tales from all the fails and tribulations
no one ever sees
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
sweet as the punch

when vague desire is the fire
in the eyes of chicks whose sickness
is the games they play
and when the masquerade is played
the neighbor folks make jokes
at who is most to blame today

and then along comes mary (mary mary)
then along comes mary (mary mary)
and does she want to set them free and
let them see reality
from where she got her name
and will they struggle much
when told that such a tender touch of hers
will make them not the same
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
sweet as the punch

and when the morning of the warning's passed
the gassed and flaccid kids
are flung across the stars
the psychodramas and the traumas gone
the songs have all been sung
and hung upon the scars

and then along comes mary (mary mary)
then along comes mary (mary mary)
and does she want to see the stains,
the dead remains of all the pain
she left the night before
or will their waking eyes reflect the lies
and make them realize
their urgent cry for sight no more
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
sweet as the punch

when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
when we met i was sure out to lunch
now my empty cup tastes as sweet as the punch
sweet as the punch

a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying



i was lonelier than kunta kinte at a merle haggard concert
that night i strolled on into uncle limpy's hump palace lookin' for love.
it had been a while.
in fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went
since that midnight run haulin' hog to shakey town on i-10.
i had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons
through a pair of daisy duke cut-offs and one of those fruit of the loom tank-tops.
well, that night i lost myself to ruby red lips,
milky white skin and baby blue eyes.
name was russell.


yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
well i find it's quite a thrill
when she grinds me against her will
yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'


well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
said her name was bambi and i said, "well that's a coincidence darlin',
‘cause i was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."
well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a jack-o-lantern,
and i went on to tell her how i would wear her face like a mask
as i do my little kooky dance.
and then she told me to shush.
i guess she could sense my desperation.
‘course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like minnie pearl.


yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
well i find it's quite a thrill
when she grinds me against her will
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'


so, bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true.
so i says, "even this one i have where jesus christ
is jackhammering mickey mouse in the doo-doo hole
with a lawn dart as garth brooks gives birth to something
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on santa claus's tummy-tum?"
well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
i'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what i mean.
got to nail her back at her trailer.
heh. that rhymes.
i have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when i found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.


yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
well i find it's quite a thrill
when she grinds me against her will
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'


day or so had passed when i popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
the stinky pinky gulp n' guzzle big rig snooze-a-stop.
there i was browsin' through the latest issue of "throb",
when i saw bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
well, my heart just dropped.
so, i decided to do what any good christian would.
you can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five
in an eighteen-wheeler.
i never thought missing children could be so sexy.
did i say that out loud?


yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
well i find it's quite a thrill
when she grinds me against her will
yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

hell yeah



alright now boys and girls we've got another story for you now!
we want to introduce to you another friend of the bible!

hell yeah

if i were god there would be no explicit sex on t.v.
like little opie eating pie when he made it with aunt bea

if i were god thou shall not worship false billy idols
and thou shall add the book of flavor flav to the bible
thou shall make fun of hindus thou shall not make a "speed 2"
if i were god that's what i'd do heavens no

hell yeah

if i were god i'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything
norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

if i were god thou shall not wear tube socks with flip-flops
thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap
thou shall resist the olsen twins, thou shall not cut "footloose"
if i were god that's what i'd do, heavens no

hell yeah

and when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross
i'll tell them i found jesus that should throw them off
he goes by the name hay-zeus and steals hubcaps from cars
oh hay-zeus can i borrow your crowbar?
to pry these god damn nails out they're beginning to hurt
crucified and all i got was this lousy t-shirt
"i can't believe it's not butter!" i'll sing as i'm flogged
yeah that's what i would do if i were god
so vote for me for savior and you'll go to heaven
your lame duck lord is like kevin spacey in "seven"
with creepy threats of h-e-double-hockey-stick
you just can't teach an old god new tricks
but would i be a good messiah with my low self-esteem?
if i don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy?
just sport some crummy "holier than thou" facade
yeah that's what i would do if i were god

three point one four



last girlfriend didn't like me thought she might be
most likely a dyke she just didn't excite me
lefty? yeah but that was alright
she was hotter than the sun but she just wasn't that bright
my mistake she was more flaky than a leper colony
i think a wooden clothespin would have been much better company
ass like a donkey acting funky gave her "l" now she's a flunky
so my love for her died quicker than a batch of sea monkeys
early bird gets the worm spread your legs or spread the word
so what if i'm not the smartest peanut in the turd
i'm white which goes with everything but i can come in any color
and i'm looking for the kind of girl that reminds me of my mother
but it's hard to find a girl with a viper tattooed on her tushy
and how many girls do you know that can play the harmonica with their pussies?
like em' easy and hot and sweet like a rice krispie treat, gee
you know what i really want in a girl? me

i need to find a new vagina
any kind of new vagina
it's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
calvin klein? kindanorth carolina?

women are like dog, doo, hear me through don't interrupt
it's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up
i'd fill the generation gap clean the cobwebs from her rafters
old hens would rather put out than be put out to the pasture
no age just ain't a gauge i like my girls like my cheese
preferably for me fat-free american singles only
i want my next chick anorexic, the winner is the thinner
won't have to take her skinny ass out to a fancy dinner
like sizzler she got a beef we'll chew the fat
if i forget to put the seat up i can put up with her crap
let her lash out and crack the whip but not in bed i don't play rough
no i can't be tied down with a girl that wants me tied up
just independent like nofx ,smart like janeane garafolo
she'd use big words to make fun of me so that i would never know
bestow upon me all her wisdom of the dewey decimal system, gee
you know what i really want in a girl? me

i need to find a new vagina
any kind of new vagina
it's hard to rhyme a word like vagina
kevin klein?kinda south carolina?

vagina

i hope you die



you must die i alone am best!

i hope ya flip some guy the bird
he cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
in front of the beatles' tour bus
a bookmobile and a mack truck
hauling hazardous biological waste
the light turns red you have no brakes
and "hard copy" gets it all on tape
so you can see the look on your face

die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die

i hope your pinto begins to spin
takes out a disabled vietnam veteran
mows down a nobel peace prize winner
and maybe some orphans having christmas dinner
perhaps even the british royal family
and the rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
and we can't forget the newlyweds
and those jerry's kids are as good as dead

i hope this helps to emphasize
i hope this helps to clarify
i hope you die

i hope your cellmate thinks he's god
but c.n.n. refer to him as "bowling ball bag bob"
serving time again for abuse of a corpse
only this time the victim's a clydesdale horse
while he masturbates to photos of livestock
he does the "silence of the lambs" dance to christian rock
eats feces and quotes from "deliverance"
and fights with his imaginary playmate vince

die die die die die die die
die die die die die die die

i hope he grins like jack nicholson
and forces you to play a game called "balls on chin"
and whatever happens next is all a blur
but you remember "fist" can be a verb
and when you finally regain consciousness
you're bound and gagged in a wedding dress
and the prison guard looks the other way
‘cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day

i hope this helps to emphasize
i hope this helps to clarify
i hope you die

i hope you die

ralph wiggum



i'm going to africa yes ma'am i'm a brick waas president licoln okay? mitten
there's a dog in the vent chicken necks? i pick ken griffey jr. i fell out 2 times
i'm pedaling backwards this snowflake tastes like fish sticks we're a totem pole dying tickles
i hear a frankenstein lives there she's touching my special area go banana

ralphie ralphie
get off get off
the stage the stage
sweetheart sweetheart

oh say can you rock?

i'm a pop sensation

salmon gutter?

i'm idaho you smell like dead bunnies that's where i saw the leprechaun fun toys are fun
chocolate microscopes you're not it that is so 1991 i bit my tongue

ralphie ralphie
get off get off
the stage the stage
sweetheart sweetheart

oh say can you rock?

i'm a pop sensation

yvan eht nioj

my sash says ultraman

i'm the least you could do



it always sucks refolding the kind of map
needed when i get stuck where the sun don't shine the fact
is if i just shut up my rubbered stamp could flag you as dumb

it ain't your mind you're givin' me a piece of
as it don't take einstein to know that's just obscene but
it's been buck rogers' time since i hit other than rock bottom

even the odds of having you against me
with your crotchless jihad on blue balls evidently
are all mighty good god so angel dust my soul like james brown

street legal whore hauling so much stunning ass
sell yourself short like bridget at the bunny ranch
do it all fours the satisfaction of getting fouled

i'm the least you could do
if only life were as easy as you

i would still get screwed

i don't care if getting under someone that's
beneath you fits the m.o. of conundrum as
you reckoned this was just a fancy word for rubbers

i aim to get a bang out of working your
weak spot that sets the bar so low just nerve can score
with no respect since oddly danger feels like pay dirt

i'm the least you could do
if only life were as easy as you

if only

when my fumbling breaks you should
i thank your dad for the damaged goods?

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo



vulcanize the whoopee stick
in the ham wallet

cattle prod the oyster ditch
with the lap rocket

batter dip the cranny ax
in the gut locker

retrofit the pudding hatch
ooh la la
with the boink swatter

if i get you in the loop when i make a point to be straight with you then
in lieu of the innuendo, in the end know my intent, though
i brazillian wax poetic, so pathetically
i don't wanna beat around the bush

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo

marinate the nether rod
in the squish mitten

power drill the yippee bog
with the dude piston

pressure wash the quiver bone
in the bitch wrinkle

cannonball the fiddle cove
ooh la la
with the pork steeple

if i get you in the loop when i make a point to be straight with you then
in lieu of the innuendo, in the end know my intent, though
i brazillian wax poetic, so pathetically
i don't wanna beat around the bush


foxtrot uniform charlie kilo

put the you know what in the you know where
put the you know what in the you know where pronto

the ballad of chasey lain



dear chasey lain
i wrote to explain
i'm your biggest fan
i just wanted to ask
could i eat your ass?
write back as soon as you can

you've had a lotta dick
had a lotta dick
i've had a lotta time
had a lotta time
you've had a lotta dick chasey
but you ain't had mine

dear chasey lain
i wrote to complain
ya never wrote me back
how could i ever eat
your ass when ya treat
your biggest fan like that?

you've had a lotta dick
had a lotta dick
i've had a lotta time
had a lotta time
you've had a lotta dick chasey
but you ain't had mine

dear chasey lain
i wrote to constrain
this letter is my last
as your biggest fan
i must demand
you let me eat your ass

you've had a lotta dick
had a lotta dick
i've had a lotta time
had a lotta time
you've had a lotta dick chasey
but you ain't had mine

p.s.
mom and dad this is chasey
chasey this is my mom and dad
now show ‘em them titties
now show ‘em them titties
p.s.
mom and dad this is chasey
chasey this is my mom and dad
now show ‘em them titties
now show ‘em them titties

would ya fuck me for blow?